Alok Nath

Guest Column: This article was written by Vivek, a brilliant writer when it comes to articulating ideas. Again, this was written at dogmatrix.com. He now blogs occasionally (how I wish he blogged more!) at india-reality.blogspot.com

In a news snippet, sure to change the way we view human history & anthropology, the respected Royal Journal of Human Anthropological Studies has confirmed the discovery of a new species of homonid in Asia. And the world is shocked by this bold discovery in an age when invention is all but dead. Definite to bridge the gaps in the long line of missing links between Man and Hanuman, this revolutionary discovery has been named Homo Aloknathus

Though possessing uncanny capabilities of camouflage around wooden furnitures & furlong long crowd of relatives, this naturally shy & sweet creature has been discovered & listed , all thanks to the keen eyes & observations of famous Indian Bollywood anthropologist Dr. Premjit Shinhaat, noted for his earlier exotic finds like Kareena Lizardus, Sharukh Twitching-nosus & Rambaa Omnibus.

When contacted by DMX special-correspondent for anthropological studies, the notoriusly outrageous V, this is what Dr. Prem had to say about his find -

V : Dr. Prem when did you suspect the existence of this new species?

Dr. Prem: (clears throat) Long Long ago in a theater far far away… I was watching one more good-for-nothing Bollywood Shaadi-baraath drama starring a choco faced hero & a mannequin heroine. As the duo danced around trees & exchanged messages through sparrows followed by a fall of apples all around… so voluminous as to spawn a thousand Newtons, my eyes were drawn to a coy & sweet creature trying to hide it’s presence on the screen masquerading as a stage prop. Inspite of my rigorous efforts to make her see, my Mom could hardly register it’s presence. And when she did, she snorted & said - ‘what’s so special about this?’. But my heart told me otherwise. I was already in head-over-heels love with the cuddly being. As the movie title went Maine Pyaar Kiya. I decided then & there to dedicate the rest of my life to it’s study.

V : Hmm… Quite interesting. When did you come up with the cinching evidence of an entirely new species?

Dr. Prem: My continued studies of this animal across movies strongly strengthened my conviction of having made a startling discovery. Be it those coy and mute mating calls to the Samdhans in Hum Aapke Hain Kaun , the way the creature remained entirely invisible in Mujhe Kuch Kehena Hain, the moustached cowboy look of Hum Saath Saat hain or even the extra-terrestrial look in Taal. Through all it’s manuevers… I could detect the characterstic subtle drabness, the nonchalant melancholy of a sex-starved toad… the tell-tale signs were always there.

V : Doctor, Can you describe for the benefit of our DMX readers some of the interesting behavioral patterns & other observations you have made about HA?

Dr. Prem : Sure.

Unlike dogs that responds to a multitudunous calls like Tommy, Tiger, Bhutto etc., HA responds only to the pet name ‘Baabuji’ especially when called out by the Behenji type members of the fairer sex. Speaking of dogs… HA has a miraculous ability of communicating with the canines. It’s love for the quadruped far surpasses that of honorable Mrs. Maneka Gandhi. Whilst the rest of the family mourns the deceased female lead-member of the family, HA grieves the lack of nutrition to man’s best friend, due to the loss of the hands that fed it.

Though the creature attempts to dodge attention by reciting inanities like ‘hehehe Aap hume kaamakha sharmindaa kar rahe hain’ and subtle threatening display of all 64 teeth, decoyed as a smile to scare away persistent observers, there is a wealth of information that can be gleaned from studying it.

This hominid gives confusing signals of it’s sexual preferences with it’s penchant for hugging young males with elevated passion & the war cry of ‘Gale Nahin Lagoge Betaa!’. But in-depth studies have determined a strong subterranean attraction toward aged Samdhans ( daughter-in-law’s mother) & Kaamwali bais (house-maids) mellowed by it’s inhibitions in showing open affection, considering it’s societal responsibilities. Often this translates to hitting the Samdhans with flowers, attempts to allure them through suggestive ditties & frequent innocuous-sounding flirtatious requests to Bais - ‘ek chai milegi’.

HA, especially the vareity found in the lush jungles of Piyaa Ka Ghar, also often exhibits remarkable capability of communicating with potted plants. I am also conducting a WHO sponsored study on it’s remarkable capability of withstanding & surviving continuous multiple heart-attacks, strokes, paralysis, diabetes etc. In one instance, a totally paralyzed specimen dragged itself to the main gate through all the mud, grime & dirt though it could hardly twitch it’s mercilessly twisted upper lips. It also remarkably gains weight while apparently arduously caught in insufferable miseries, just feeding off the glycerine. I say, there is a great potential in inducting HA into commando forces.

V : Dr. Prem, We have heard that due to continuous mutation the specimens of this species closely resemble human beings. So how can we identify one if were to come across one?

Dr. Prem : Good question. These creatures are found mostly around dinner tables in tele-serials like ‘Astitva - ek Prem Kahaani’ watched mainly by housewives. It usually lives in outlandishly named villas like ‘Sundar Nivas’, ‘Shanti Nivas’, ‘Shanti Niketan’ etc. in equally alien-sounding places such as ‘Sundar Nagar’, ‘Shanti Nagar’, ‘Sadbhavana Pur’ etc. You can easily identify them by their coy smiles, misplaced charisma that shines mainly during requesting teas, oval podgy lips, oval face, rotund body mostly draped in coffin-white Jubbas.

Occassionly they roll their eyes for no rhyme or reason. Mostly they look confused about the current surroundings & situations, often unsure of place or sets they are currently in. They cry when they are supposed to laugh & laugh when the scene demands crying. They look scared even the scene needs them to look happy. They can also do laughing & crying together at the same time! If you observe closely you can also detect the UFO-type crop circle over it’s scalp.

But beware of it’s camouflage skills. It often blends solidly with the furnitures surrounding it. A specimen was known to wear a size-too-bigger Kashmiri cap in London (in Astitva) that successfully hid it from the eyes of the most hardened HA-watchers. It was almost mistaken for Farooq Abdullah, the ex-CM of Jammu & Kashmir. Thankfully the confused looks finally gave it away.

V : Thanks a lot, Dr. Prem, for having spent your precious time with us & for having enlightened DMX readers about your new earth-shattering discovery.

Dr. Prem : (Imitating HA) Hehehe… Aap tho hume kaamkha hi sharmindaa kar rahe hain