Hum Kaun Hain Movie Review

*Guest Column*. This was originally written by Premjit at dogmatrix.com.

It is a perplexing question that has flummoxed and baffled many a philosophers, thinkers and men of god. Who Are We? To find out, I walked into a show of “Hum Kaun Hain? to be a solemn audience to this thought-provoking theatrica, it was to my utter dismay that I could count, including us, no more than 7 individuals who came to seek the answers. Even before a week could elapse its release, the movie was pulled off the silver screen. I sincerely hope it gets telecast on satellite TV for public veneration.

Contrary to frenzied expectations whipped up by its title, “Hum Kaun Hain?” is not a movie that involves its audience in discussions on philosophical issues. Also, it does not aim to improve our thinking by enabling us to investigate, many of the ‘big questions’, or focus reflectively on our own thinking. So people waiting to be provoked and model their thoughts like those of experienced thinkers in their own best metacognition are in for a sore disappointment.

In addition, those who have seen The Others and loved it are requested not to venture to see this movie. No, not even if you are only inquisitive to know how Dimple Kapadia would act in an Oscar nominated act essayed superbly by Nicole Kidman, not even if you are inquisitive to see Amitabh Bachchan in his career’s most ignominious appearance.

Director Ravi Shankar Sharma injects his novice’s tenacity to Alajandero Amenabar’s The Others and bungles big time. The ambience of the spooky home, the background score and sound effects, the lighting used, the performances of each and every member of the cast, that were the hallmarks of the original, all fall woefully short compared here in comparison, making it look like an utterly cheap slipshod Z grade, “Main Hoon Daaku Haseena Hunterwali” type of a movie.

One gracious lady never got over “Rudaali” even after all these years and insists on using the same expressions in all balance parts she gets to play. We have Dimple Kapadia harboring the illusion that she is modeling for some henna based shampoo, as the mistress of a strange house, full of dark & gaudy curtains, no lights, mother to two children having an odd disease involving photosensitivity, and wife to a man out on a war, she goes about this complex role wearing classy clothes and a permanent look that conveys that she by accident sipped a 10% w/v solution of glacial acetic acid.

Enter Crooked Teeth Heavy Bosom (CTHB-Moushumi Chatterji), as a house-help. Now CT very HB, has a dark secret which she signifies by smiling wickedly at the camera when no one is noticing. Her dyed strand of white hair keeps shifting mysteriously, but don’t allow yourself to get too involved in that, its not a part of the mystery she is smiling about, its just a continuity bungle.

For people who would be left wondering where is the horror in this movie, its right here in the form of THE child artiste of the century, the charming, the precocious, the endearing, the syrupy, the lovable, the cherubic, the bright-spark, the giftedly talented, the captivating, the entrancing, and the otherwise engaging, Hansika Motwani, in her first full-fledged, germane to the plot role of her life as Dimple’s daughter. Hansika Motwani is all poised and trained to be the next Kareina lizard Kapoor. Being the first to notice spirits, she never lets go of a single frame where she can show her many myriad faces expressing fear, shock, quaking in her knees, sneering at her mum and lil bro all with highly exaggerated facial gestures, rolling her eyes, with the most irritating dialogue delivery ever in the annals of cinematic history.

“Uss Din Kya Hua Tha?”
Perhaps the questioning title was not enough, so people in this movie frequently ask each other this chilling question, “Uss Din Kya Hua Tha?”
Like this:-
a) CTHB:- Meydumm, Uss din kya hua tha?
b) Hansika Motwani to her brother, “Mummy pagal hai, yaad hai uss din kya hua tha?”
c) AB, in his tired baritone, “Sandra, Uss din kya hua tha?”
d) Suhasini Mulay (wearing make up as if it were a point of vendetta)[/] “Uss din kya hua tha?” [i](with bare minimum facial movement so that the make up doesn’t crack)

Arre baba kiss din?? Moreover, no one is really interested in offering answers and explanations to it. Till Rudaali Henna Shampoo reveals the mystery in the end after much coaxing by CTHB, when her home is being invaded by ‘The Others’

So while we are still trying to get answers to Hum Kaun Hain? and Uss Din Kya Hua Tha?….Lo and behold! Enter a mountain hick, Veeru, played by … Hold your breath hard, … Dharmendra!! Who insists on speaking all his lines only in English. At a particular point somewhere Dharmendra is refered to as “Young man”, a term that no longer applies to even Bobby Deol, though it does at times apply to Esha Deol. Now don’t make me give evidence of my lack of comprehension and deduction skills by asking me embarrassing questions like, “What is Dharmendra doing in this movie?” All I can say that this character was not in The Others, and I failed to grasp its relevance here in the Hindi remake.

If anybody here is on conversational terms with Amitabh Bachchan, please try and tell him that it is not strictly necessary to take up whatever role is offered to him. He goes about this movie like a dysfunctional robot influenced by substance abuse. Uncannily, the manner in which he walks in this movie made me ponder if he had a catheterized urethra during the shoot.

No redeeming features whatsoever, if there was ever a remake that murdered the original in cold blood, this is it.